Mentor – Inside-Out Coaching ACADEMY

I found myself recently sitting in a waiting room. I was nervous and a little upset and I grabbed a puzzle from the ‘kids’ corner’ to distract myself. It was a magnetic 3D puzzle; all the pieces were the same shape and the pattern
was made up of lots of different coloured ladybirds. I flipped through the pieces for a while and put the odd 2 or 3 pieces together. It seemed impossible without a picture to follow but I knew that my mind was a little uptight. I
tried to concentrate harder in order to block out those thoughts that like to think themselves and it started coming together slowly but surely. Or so I thought. I suddenly came up against a real block and couldn’t find any way
forwards. The puzzle looked as if it was all in place but I had a handful of pieces that just wouldn’t fit, no matter what I did. The rest of the puzzle was so obviously right that I didn’t want to break it up. I was stuck.

I had to leave and return later so I went out for a walk, I called my most positive friends, found a quiet spot to practice Autogenic Training and headed back to the waiting room again.

I picked up the same puzzle in the same environment and in the same situation, but this time I brought peace and clarity with me, not fear and uncertainty. At first glance, the answer to the puzzle seemed embarrassingly simple. I’d
started in the wrong place (with the second row first) and, even though things fitted snugly for the first 10 or 12 pieces, I’d soon become confused. Why was it going so well up until now? What was wrong with the pieces? The others
were so clearly fitting neatly together, what was wrong with me?

A little embarrassing perhaps that all that came from a children’s puzzle but a lesson for the bigger picture nevertheless. Looking at any puzzle or problems in life can benefit from a different view point; a paradigm shift. In our
jobs, relationships, friendships and even hobbies, things that have previously been running- and fitting together so smoothly can hit seemingly illogical or unexpected problems. Generally, it isn’t the thing or event that stumps us,
but rather the place we find ourselves in that changes the lens on our reality perception.

Seeing something from another perspective sounds much easier than the reality, but if we are actively aware of both the logical and emotional sides to our minds and really understand what our life values are then this can help us to
realign ourselves and gain the confidence to try things from a different direction.

Sometimes we get so busy joining the dots and connecting individual pieces that we forget to step back and look at the picture on the box. My puzzle was the even trickier variety that had nothing to refer to and it was only a
puzzle, but I became protective of those parts that seemed to work even at the expense of the others that obviously did not. Imagine this metaphor on a grander, life scale. Are all your pieces working well together? Are you clinging
to the parts that do work at the expense of others? Do you have a clear vision of the bigger picture?

Joining the dots or connecting the pieces can sometimes be enough to keep us in our comfort zone. We go to work, we look after our families, we pay the bills, we do the tasks we have to do and then we go home, content in a job well
done, two dots connected and another day over and closer to retirement. The question is;

Is this enough for you?

Would you like to make a difference?

Do you have a life goal?

Do you get up excited in the morning?

Do you feel fully motivated and dedicated to your goal?

Are you squeezing all the living out of your life?

Sometimes, we only have to view a puzzle from the other side of the table. Sometimes, we have to find that one false piece but sometimes we just have to accept that we have to break up the pieces, zoom out on our own realities and
core belief systems, focus on the right picture for us, choose only the pieces that fit with that image and start again. We all have our puzzles broken now and then, but the difference lies in how you pick up the pieces and start
afresh. Do you learn from past mistakes, cling to small areas that don’t work for us anymore or try to hide the pieces that don’t fit?

Are you wasting time trying to fit people, things or beliefs into your puzzle where they don’t fit?

Having a clear vision in mind, based on personal values, and setting clear goals to complete the puzzle is a positive start. Creating action steps to break these goals into manageable chunks makes the task even easier. So, just as
you would prepare for a jigsaw puzzle by having the picture lid visible, separating the pieces into edges, corners and colours, the answer to our own life puzzles can be found; Step by step.

A coach can help with every step until your puzzle fits together as the fun and rewarding pass-time that it was designed to be.

I have been asked why I always give coaching session feedback and follow-up based on ‘threes’:

Decide upon 3 action steps.
Choose 3 guiding sentences.
Practice these 3 steps & 3 sentences 3 x every day.
Practice them daily in 3 different areas of your life (physical, emotional/spiritual, mental).
Practice the 3 things for 3 x per day in 3 different life areas for at least 3 weeks.

Why are threes so important?

Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Three Musketeers, Three Little Pigs, Three Blind Mice, Three Wise Men; many good things come in threes and have done for a long time. The Latin phrase ‘omne trium perfectum’ (everything that comes in
threes is perfect) proves that this is not a new concept. The rule of threes is used as a guideline in storytelling, communication, advertising, joke telling and in art and design. It is the proven principle that any message is
stronger, more effective and more memorable when it comes in three parts. In terms of coaching, three is a good number to help us break old- or develop new habits.

Why should I explore my habits?

It is true that coaching sessions always keep the client’s value-based end goal in sight, but our session-by-session work is also aimed at the daily processes and habits each client subconsciously follows. But why do we need to
focus on habits that we barely notice? If my goal is to make it to CEO, why would I want to waste my time recognising old habits when I could be learning the business tools and people management tips I need in order to plough
forward towards my goal?

Every element of our life, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, is essentially the sum of our habits and our habits have been influenced and developed since the moment we were born. What you repeatedly spend time
thinking about, saying and doing each day is mostly unconscious. It comes from deeply ingrained habits and values that form the person you are, the things you believe and your personality. These thoughts and behaviours are then the
instructions that your subconscious uses to deal predictably with everything that you face. Yes, even how you use the business tools and people management tips you may be given and how effective they prove to be will be determined
by your current habits and belief systems.

Limiting beliefs cause fear-based emotions and unconscious reactions that can hold you back, cause you to make rash judgements, bad decisions and simply make you feel sad, angry or defensive often without knowing why. Without
exploring, defining and working on breaking old, negative habits and beliefs that no longer serve us and developing new, positive habits and beliefs that bring happiness and success we cannot begin to change what is inside us. When
we are positive, balanced, secure and conscious with what is on the inside, this will continue to radiate happiness and success out on the outside; including how well we understand and use those business tools or how well others
react to any new management or leadership style.

What can I do to change unconscious behaviour if it’s unconscious?

Consider and answer these three statements for a moment:

I am: 3 things

I want: 3 things

I will: 3 things

Now take your answers from ‘I will’. What three things have you decided to do in order to break a bad habit or build a new, positive one? Are they small enough to be achievable and big enough to make a difference? Once you have
clarity on what ‘I will’, consider the 3Rs set out in Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit:

Reminder (the trigger that initiates behaviour)
Routine (the behaviour itself; the action you take)
Reward (the benefit you gain from performing the behaviour)

Thich Nhat Hanh suggests many convenient and powerful ‘reminders’ using the things already around us in his book ‘Peace is Every Step.’

…

“The telephone is very convenient, but we can be tyrannised by it. When we hear the phone ring it often causes some anxiety, and when we talk we often talk of trivial things and forget ourselves. We are victims of our telephone.
(Try replacing the word telephone with Smartphone and this is even more true.) Next time you hear the phone ring say ‘listen, listen, this wonderful sound brings me back to my true self. Breathe and smile and be in control
of yourself, for two rings, and then pick up the phone, in consciousness – then how fortunate for the other person. If you are both doing this, it transforms the whole experience.”

“When driving – if stuck in traffic, do not fight this, this is useless. When you see a red light, breathe and smile instead, use it as a chance to practice.”

You really can use anything to remind you to do whatever it is you decided ‘I will’. When I was learning Autogenic Training, I set an alarm on my mobile phone as a reminder to practice for 3 times in the day when I knew I would have
the least distractions. Now I do it without thinking.

The reward you grant yourself for each remembered ‘I will’ can be anything you like-be inventive! Chances are that you will soon get a more direct reward simply from the effects of the behaviour change on your immediate environment.

Now go back to the top of this article and re-read my coaching session feedback and follow-up ‘threes’. Keep with it. Habits can be changed, especially if you can bring your time travelling second thoughts into
play too!* Change today what you would have done differently yesterday.

Finally, consider the ‘power of three’ words of that great communicator, Winston Churchill, “This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” Start
today and the next time you face a new challenge or uncomfortable feeling just stop and count to three.