What if I die vs what if I don’t live?

After having a series of hip operations, including two double hip replacements, I found myself once again standing at the bottom of the ski piste waiting for my kids and husband to ski down to me and say hi for a quick second before
rushing off again with pink cheeks and laughter.

Now, I’m not one for giving up or always doing what I’m told, but I knew skiing was out of bounds and I fully understood why. As I stood there alone, cold, bored and frustrated, I watched a young girl having a snowboard lesson and
dreamed of a compromise. I could either accept my limits without a fight or face my fears and try and find another way. I realized that if I didn’t face this fear and try something to get back on those slopes, it would be a limit
for life.

Decide what you really want (or don’t want)

The screaming conflict began straight away; ‘To really enjoying family ski holidays, quality time with my kids and husband and really earning my après ski’ versus, ‘but you’re too old, it’s too dangerous, you’re too broken, too
unfit…’ and the list went on. But I’m stubborn; there’s always a way and there’s always a choice: to die of boredom or take a risk, so off I went to the rental shop.

Learn from your mistakes, remind yourself why you began and never give up

My first lesson hurt so much! I was black and blue afterwards, but at least I could get down a blue slope, not elegantly, but I was up there with my family again and, boy, that felt good. My children treated me to the ‘L’ sign on
their foreheads for ‘loser’ if I fell or didn’t dare to turn and that was a pretty good motivator too!

I bought protective gear and practiced, fell, practiced, fell less, improved, fell harder, practiced harder and took more risks. Yes, I still came home sore, but happy. I focused on my improvements every day and was determined to
give more energy to succeeding than listening to my ever present fears. Each evening I asked myself, ‘What isn’t working?’ ‘What do I have to practice?’ ‘What do I have to improve?’ But the question that kept me pushing forwards
was, ‘Why am I doing this?’

Break out of your comfort zone

I ride ‘Goofy’, yes, that really is a thing, although I had no idea what it meant when my rental board was set up with my right leg binding at the front of the board and my left foot at the tail. As I scoured YouTube for boarding
tips, I discovered that goofy means your strongest leg is at the back of the board to help you turn and break. Unfortunately for me, my natural ‘strong’ leg was the one that had been left particularly weak from the operations. I
needed to change to my naturally weaker side and, if that wasn’t scary enough, I made this discovery just before going to a big ski resort for the first time with a group of 7 excellent skiers. So, I found myself at the top of a
very steep red run with my board on back to front and a group of expectant faces looking up and waiting for me to join them on the slope. I was comfortable enough on the practice slopes but now, up there looking down, it was time to
take a leap of faith. I sat there doing up my bindings and asked myself a really stupid question, ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ ‘DIE!’ came the answer, ‘Break something, dislocate something, end up in a wheel chair. Just go
back to the practice slopes, meet up with them later, don’t be so stupid…’ I fed myself this poison until I almost couldn’t breathe. I really felt as if someone else was giving me a really good telling off and the humiliation I felt
with my friends waiting for me was huge. I set off out of sheer embarrassment and anger. And fell. Hard. Full of ‘you’ll never get down alive’ negativity, I stumbled and limped my way down the mountain berating myself the entire
way. But, I DID get down. I had jumped out of my comfort zone and lived-despite my fear trying to convince myself otherwise.

Don’t allow your fears to become your limits

I had needed the others to force me out of my comfort zone and I was grateful for that, but I headed back up alone. This was a battle I had to fight myself. Me against my fear. I knew I could do it-I had proof, but my thoughts were
still drip-feeding me poison. I tried meditating on the ski lift; with every in breath, I breathed in energy and calm and with every out breath, I breathed out negative thoughts that couldn’t serve me. This worked surprisingly well
(it’s a very long lift) until it was time to ride. My mind really overtook ‘feeling’ as I had to concentrate on riding ‘regular’ or backwards for me. As soon as my head took over so did the negativity. There were two of us up there;
one that said, ‘Okay, you know what to do-now just do it’, and the other that whispered, ‘But what if you can’t’, each time I began to go for it.

Accept your fear-and say ‘yes’ to its face

I tried counting in my head to block out the ‘What-ifs’ and tried counting out loud too. I knew which voice I wanted to listen to, but thoughts have an unfortunate habit of thinking themselves anyway. But oh, those steeps! I learned
how to conquer them in theory, but fear held me back from giving 100% commitment to the crucial turns. If I made it, my heart was left pounding with adrenaline and then I immediately wondered if it was just a fluke or luck this
time. If I fell, I got so angry because 9 times out of 10 I knew where I’d gone wrong-I hadn’t fully committed-or not quickly enough. I was really determined to get out of my comfort zone, I was determined to keep getting up each
time I fell, I was determined to overcome the voice of my fear and I was improving every time, but even my determination to silence that drip feed of fearful thoughts and stay positive actually created another problem entirely:

Fear + Anger at the fear = Negative Mind-set

I realised that, while I was never going to let my fear stop me, I had to accept it and see it for what it was, not fight against it (and therefore myself) each time I strapped my board on.

Leave your fear in the valley

Fear is only an emotion like any other but it really blinded me. Fear made me panic and make bad choices and bad choices on steep, icy slopes hurt. When I chose to look my fear in the eye, I saw a typical primary school bully. A
bully who does what he does because of his own insecurities and fears. I chose to accept it, ‘I see you for what you are and I’m glad you’re looking out for me, but I’m doing this anyway so stay in the valley and be good until I get
back.’ My huge, debilitating fear became a small, uncertain child and I had an excellent afternoon of fun. It made a massive difference. My fear still came back to sit on my shoulder at the top of those steeps and before I tried
something new, but I took the time to breath, look it in the eye and say, ‘Okay I see you, but I’m doing this anyway’.

Fear is a liar

I had seen so many boarders riding ‘dynamically’ and had managed a few copy-cat moves. Back home, YouTube gave me the solution once again; music-loud and rhythmic music. I found a Spotify snowboarding playlist. It definitely has a
powerful beat with lots of rap and seriously not my thing but I turned it up LOUD and concentrated on the beat and trying to understand what the musicians were rapping about. Before I knew it, I was surprised to find myself back at
the ski lift. I’d had the most awesome ride; I’d conquered the steeps without even realizing it. I hadn’t stopped at the top of each one and looked down, I’d just gone with my instincts and the rhythm of the music. There had been no
fear. I hadn’t just not fallen-I’d totally loved every second!

And then I knew the final truth:

Yes, danger is real. Yes, I have to be careful of my body. I’d tried to battle fear and failed. Then I’d accepted fear as something looking out for me, but fear made me fall, fear made me fail and fear was responsible for my bruises
and frustration. The truth is; fear does not exist in its own right; it is created by our own thoughts. This means that fear really is our choice.

Trust your instincts over your mind

With that music pumping and my mind fixed on the beat, my body was finally allowed to follow its instincts, finally allowed to ‘just do it’, finally allowed to succeed. And, do you know what? It felt SO awesome to know the truth, to
feel the power over that uninvited negativity, to know that I really could do whatever I set my mind to as long as fear was not part of the equation. I was on the lift again without waiting for anyone else to join me. I had to get
back up there and do it again-leave what little was left of my fear in the valley and really feeling my instincts have a ball.

You don’t have to fight fear alone

It was a lonely, painful and frustrating journey, but I’ve never looked back! Once I found a way to ditch the fear once, that was enough to silence my own critics and leave it behind for good. Now, I choose to push my limits, choose
to challenge my comfort zone and choose to squeeze every last bit of living out of the mountain of life-especially the steeps!

The only thing I would change with hindsight is going through this alone. Yes, others unwittingly pushed me from my comfort zone, but there was no one to catch me or guide me through the challenges that led on from that. My advice
would be to put your trust in a good friend or coach to not only push you out of your comfort zone but to stay to guide and support you through the challenges that lead into your wow zone.

Second Thoughts

I recently watched a film recommended to me by a friend. ‘About Time’ is a 2013 RomCom about a young man who discovers that the male members of his family can travel back in time. His father shares this family secret with him on his 21^st birthday and the film’s story line revolves around the humour, chaos and tragedy of someone living a ‘normal’ life while keeping a time travelling secret.

It’s just what you would expect from a British RomCom and it delivered exactly what it said on the tin. But then, towards the end, just when I was feeling all RomCom-warm-and-fluffy, I was struck by a scene that genuinely intrigued me.

The main character, Tim, was given the formula for a happy life by his father, “And he told me his secret formula for happiness. Part one of the two part plan was that I should just get on with ordinary life, living it day by day, like anyone else. But then came part two of Dad’s plan. He told me to live every day again almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, but the second time noticing.”

Tim’s father didn’t tell him to ‘live every day as it’s your last’. This is a phrase I’ve heard a lot lately and, quite frankly, it has the same effect on me as a rabbit caught in headlights. Apart from the fact that the decision making for a ‘last day’ would stress me out, I’ve seen some actual last days, especially those lived by my mum, and I would not wish them on anyone.

No, what I would rather concentrate on is spending more of my time really seeing, feeling and appreciating what is around me right now. Accepting the joy in those moments that are all too soon gone and also realizing the influence and impact that our decisions and actions have on those around us. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to live each day twice and have a second chance at getting it right?

But, and it’s a big BUT, it is far easier said than done. It sounds like a great idea and I’ve tried before, I really have. I’ve read all sorts of Zen style books and articles explaining just how to reach this state of mind…and then, promptly felt like a failure that I can’t. The thing with thoughts, at least mine, is that they have rather a habit of just thinking for themselves. They often arrive out of nowhere, seemingly regardless of what I would like to be thinking of and usually at inconsiderate moments. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they drop into my subconscious and then work hard to make my consciousness listen. I call these pre-thought thoughts; in other words, they arrive before you’re even aware that you are thinking anything.

Don’t get me wrong, there are moments where I do honestly feel in the moment; when I practice autogenic training, go to guided meditations or practice yoga, but, while these times are very precious, they are also fleeting.

I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I would actually love to hear from anyone who has really, fully achieved this state of being in a real world with deadlines, bills, kids, a challenging boss and a heap of laundry just through ‘living in the moment’. I will challenge anyone that tells me they are living and loving life in the moment…the moment they stand barefoot on a piece of Lego.

I pre-empted the film’s ending and thought that was that, another lovely ‘live for the moment’ message. This was why I was so bowled over when Tim said, “And in the end I think I’ve learned the final lesson from my travels in time; and I’ve even gone one step further than my father did: The truth Is, I now don’t travel back at all, not even for the day, I just try to live every day as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.” And that was the answer for me, ‘the mothership’ of realisation that we actually can live with second thoughts. We can create our own sense of deja vu.

Have you ever been getting on with your task, your to-do list, your day, and then, out of nowhere, stopped and had second thoughts? Almost like waking up from a trance. We use the term ‘having second thoughts’, to mean having doubts or being uncertain. But, when we have these second thoughts, what we are actually doing is stopping and re-thinking just for a moment. What it actually implies here for me is waking myself up from the ‘getting on with it’ trance I’m in and kicking those pre-thought thoughts into touch long enough to enjoy the luxury of second thoughts-second chances taken now.

…”He told me to live every day again almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, but the second time noticing.”

You can take this as far as you like. You might have guessed that I love hearing and telling stories, so that’s what worked for me. I’ve started telling myself time travel stories:

When I had to wake my son (not an easy task), I pretended that my time-travelling-self had discovered that today was the last day he would want me to wake him. Tomorrow he would decide he was too grown up for a Mummy snuggle, his bedroom door would stay solidly closed to me and I would be replaced by an alarm clock. With my ‘second chance’ I really enjoyed waking him up, made it as fun as I could and really appreciated an extra-long hug.

When I was in a rush and didn’t really have time to do the hair-do my daughter was asking for, I pretended that I knew she would have all her long hair cut short tomorrow and wouldn’t want or need me to brush it for her any more. With a second chance, I enjoyed every brush stroke, took time to really notice the colour and feel of her hair and created something ‘new’ that she was thrilled with-and I surprised myself with!

When a friend called and wanted to talk when I didn’t really have the time, I imagined that I already knew that this phone call would change that friend’s life tomorrow either for good or bad depending on how attentive I was. With a second chance, I actively listened and actually learned something myself.

Do you get the idea? It may be that tomorrow you discovered:

That today was the most important day to be kind to someone in the office that you usually avoid.
That your partner is going to have an accident so you have to make the most of your evening together tonight.
That the time to say ‘I love you’ (and truly mean it) will be too late tomorrow.
That a good deed today has a huge impact on what happens in your life tomorrow
That telling your boss about the great idea you’ve been too nervous to share changes your life, but only if you say it out loud today.
That your team achieves something amazing next week, but only if you can give them your attention, listen to their needs, hopes and dreams and get them all on board this week.

…and you’ve been given a second chance to change history.

Can you imagine the power of coaching and being coached utilizing ‘second thoughts’ in this way? It means having your positive vision for the future as clear as if you already saw it on your time travels and the knowledge that (re)doing the right things in the right way today, in this moment, is the only way to achieve your goals. Think, “How would I have done this ‘yesterday’ and how can I do it better ‘today’.” Give it a try and don’t put those things off any longer: Take the chance, speak up for yourself, tell that person how you feel, listen attentively, ask the thing that you’ve been too scared to ask, say ‘I love you’ and really mean it and really appreciate the people around you because, even without playing with second thought time travelling, life is so very short and you just never know…

The only thing holding you back is your imagination! Tell yourself stories about what you found out in your future. Make them as crazy, funny, dramatic or exciting as you like and wake your second thoughts up from their trance. Already knowing how amazing tomorrow will be will give you the hope, trust and strength to do things better today.

Make an appointment for a vision setting coaching session today and you’ll be time travelling in no time!